When God Blows the Wind in the Wrong Sails
The sting of rejection has settled deep into the pit of my stomach, but what I anticipated--feared to be lasting, actually dissolved like alka seltzer in a drink. I'm not saying I have found peace in it, no I think that would be jumping the high jump bar before proper form. No, it's more of running beside it, like keeping steady beats with an opponent on the track.
See when I was younger, well, when I was more stressed upon finding writing gigs, a rejection was devastating. It would crush me for a while, even though I had pep talked myself with encouragement prior to the rejection; it was still a shock wave. What I realized with those responses was that I was basing my worth on these writing gigs. I was bitter because I handed my confidence, myself, to those that didn't know me, that were looking for pieces that fit their style, fit their audience, fit their growth. They didn't know me personally, and would lightly expressed their gratitude followed by the nail. Sorry, but no.
I was a bit miffed at the face of rejection and wonder what God was meaning to do? Was he meaning to give me this new added baggage, one that would be weighted when I pulled to move forward?
I had seen my course. Charted it. Mapped it out and set sail with my trusty confidence and shipmate perseverance along for the ride. I could see the island that I had dreamed. It looked beautiful from a far. The palm tree tops green and bearing fruit. The sand looking so warm and inviting, alluring, I wished the winds to grow faster. Instead, The winds came from the side, knocking down the sails and causing me to lose sight of that island; leaving me faced in the middle of the ocean with overcast skies. This is not what I have dreamed. This was not what I have planned. There it is. The keyword in all of this.
I.
Not God. I. There was a moment I had to stop. I caught myself, halted the Alice and the rabbit hole complex that I often found myself taking. That mental spiraling of every scenario, ripping and dissecting things until it became a shredded mess before my feet. I used to think that was God. He took it, set a match to my dreams and watched them burn...but that wasn't the case.
Sometimes rejection is the form of breaking expectations. Expectations we set forth because we believe this is what we deserve. There is nothing wrong with wanting better for yourself, but it also has to match your pace. It wasn't a bad thing--that dream, that vision--but it wasn't the right time. It wasn't for you--yet, or perhaps it just wasn't for you. But that doesn't mean God doesn't have better for you. That doesn't mean you missed the island completely and now you are stranded with no course. Sometimes God makes you like Peter. Beckoning you to step out of the boat. The cozy boat that we made with perfect imaginary situations. It took me stepping out of that boat, to stop the fear and panic when I saw the waves and just leap. Leap away from the way I responded before. Leap away from my own wants and desires for a moment to see things clearly.
What I did know was this: In the end, when I really evaluated it all outside the bubble I was in; the dream didn't match my true heart. It didn't really match God's vision for me either. It would, honestly, feed the need to Chase Busy. More. More. More. Isn't that what I was trying to avoid? Chasing. The hunt, the performance. I realized with this rejection, I was being saved from that old tendency to push and lose myself.
So while rejection for you might not look like what it does for me. What I can tell you is:
To keep doing what you love, for you, for God. It's easier said than done,I know this.
It's okay to feel sadness and anger, but don't let it become your mantra for your life.
Wake up, rise, listen, breathe. There will be those days after, moments that seem to sucker punch you. Breathe through them, let them cry out, but resist the urge to play the music with them.
Grab the tambourine of support and make that your manta. Those people out there that support you, love you, encourage you---seek them and sit with them. Their love is far greater than those that don't know who you are.
Lastly, Love yourself. Give Grace to yourself, and step forward. Nothing get's done being stationary. Nothing grows without nurture. Grace is your nurture, God is your substance.
You are never alone in this battle, in this journey. Sometimes those sails are moved to break the trance and experience life outside the borders we create.
